


Irrevocably Lost

by imtoolazytothinkofausername



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Angst, Angstober, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Ian Survived
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27036271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imtoolazytothinkofausername/pseuds/imtoolazytothinkofausername
Summary: It wasn't until Ian saw his nephew again that he realized just how much he'd lost.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 129





	Irrevocably Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I do not own Alex Rider or an associated characters. Also didn’t write this for profit.

“I’m sorry, Alex.” Ian said, and in that moment, as he looked at his nephew across the table, he meant it. 

They were seated in a private room at a restaurant owned by MI6. The location had been a suggestion from Mrs. Jones. Have the initial reunion over a family dinner. Ian hadn’t been sure this would make it any easier, and he’d been right. There were only three of them in the room: Ian, Alex, and an Agent Daniels. Apparently, Alex had insisted that Daniels accompany him to the meeting, but Ian couldn’t work out why. So far, Daniels had just sat there and observed Ian. With barely concealed distaste, true, but he’d let Alex handle the conversation. 

Already, the conversation was going far worse than Ian had feared it would. Ian had always known that revealing to Alex that they’d lied to him about not only Ian and John’s careers, but about Ian’s death wouldn’t be easy. Alex would be hurt and angry, and Ian couldn’t blame him. It would take a while, and Ian would need to work to rebuild the trust that had once existed between them. But the two had always been close, and Ian felt confident that he could convince Alex to forgive him. After all, it had all been for a good cause, and espionage was the family business. This wasn’t the ideal way for Alex to be introduced to that world, but no one could deny that Alex excelled at it. But the moment Alex had walked in the room had shaken Ian’s confidence. Alex hadn’t embraced Ian or tried to shake his hand. There had been no happiness or affection as he looked at his uncle for the first time in two years. Alex had simply sat down and asked one question. “Why?” 

MI6 had kept Ian up-to-date on Alex’s missions, of course. Ian had read the reports and listened to Blunt and Jones with pride, knowing that it had been his nephew who had accomplished so much. 

_“Alex did very well on his latest mission. He saved fifteen children.”_

_“He stopped a nuclear Holocaust!”_

_“Entire countries owe him a great debt! Probably the most important teenager in the world.”_

Now Ian wondered just how much those reports had left out. The last time he’d seen Alex, Alex had been a child. A bit shorter. Well-built, but no more so than anyone else on Alex’s football team. His face had been boyish, and his eyes had held a glint of mischief. Now, though, it could have been John standing in front of Ian. Alex had the same blonde hair as his father, although longer than John’s had ever been. The same well-defined muscles that spoke of years of exercise and training. And the same dark brown eyes. But John’s eyes hadn’t taken on that haunted quality, that one that let people know they’d seen far too much, far more than even most agents had seen, until...well, Ian wasn’t sure exactly when, but he was sure it hadn’t been when John was 16. Alex’s eyes reminded Ian of John’s eyes after John had left Scorpia. After John had spent years committing atrocities all to get Scorpia to trust him. After John had seen his best friend almost killed by a kid John saw as a son, someone whom John had hoped to save. That look should never have been found in a child’s eyes. 

“I swear, I didn’t...I was shot escaping Sayle’s complex. That much was true, and I was hospitalized for a while.” 

“But not dead.” Alex retorted. 

“I was unconscious for the first few weeks. By the time I came to, they’d already went ahead and told you I was dead and sent you into the field.” 

“You could have corrected them.” 

“They said it was for the best.” 

“And you just...you just believed them?” Alex scoffed. “Do you have another bridge to sell me?” 

“I thought it would be confusing for you if I turned up alive. I wanted to wait for the right time.” 

Alex’s eyes widened. There was anger in them, but also a sense of betrayal. Even Ian couldn’t blame him for that. It was a piss poor excuse and only partially true. Once Alex might have believed it. When the two of them had spent every moment of Ian’s free time together, going mountain biking and taking the opportunity to add a stamp to their passports while school was out. But all of that had been a long time ago, and Ian was just now realizing how much could change in a couple of years. “The right time would have been two years ago! Do you have any idea-” 

“Alex, let me finish!” Ian pleaded. His nephew had never been easy to argue with, even when Alex was in the wrong, but if you reasoned with him, usually he’d come around. And Alex had to see that this had at least seemed for the best at first. “We were going to tell you after the Stormbreaker incident, but you...you were just so successful. Then the Point Blanc situation came up, and there were kids’ lives at risk. They needed you, and if I’d come back you would have been emotionally compromised. And then things just kept happening.” Alex’s expression hadn’t changed, nor did he say anything, so Ian continued. “Of course I was worried about you, but they said that each and every mission of yours was successful. Alex...” Ian breathed out heavily, “surely you realize how many people would be dead if it weren’t for you. If we had told you sooner, those people might not have made it.” 

“And what about my life, Ian? You said kids’ lives were at risk. Aren’t I a kid?” Alex shook his head and laughed sardonically. “Or maybe not. I don’t know anymore.” 

For the first time since the start of the meeting, Daniels shifted, placing a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he muttered, “of course you’re still a kid.” 

Alex closed his eyes, turning his head slightly towards his...what? Ian glanced between the two of them. When she’d briefed him, Jones had mentioned that the man's name was Ben Daniels and that he’d worked with Alex on previous missions. Clearly the two were close. Daniels moved his hand so that his arm was around Alex’s back. A protective gesture. One might say paternal, Ian realized with a stab of envy. 

When Alex turned back to Ian, his eyes were filled with pain. The Alex Ian had known would have been trying to hold back tears, but this Alex had been through enough to control his emotions. _He’s avoiding showing weakness,_ Ian realized bitterly, _as if I were his enemy._

“I’ve had to fight against sharks and people who would think nothing of killing a teenager. I’ve almost been fed to crocodiles and snakes. I’ve lost track of how many people I’ve had to kill just to stop them from killing me. I still see them in my dreams sometimes, though. That won’t go away. It never will. I’ve been waterboarded and shot and tortured in ways that even Doctor Three would consider creative, oh, and I’ve had the misfortune of meeting him, too. Each and every time I come back, I know that no matter what I’ve been through, they’ll use me again. If I say no, they’ll find a way to force me. Do you understand what that’s like?” The most disconcerting thing was how calmly Alex was recounting this. Sure there was anger in his tone, but anyone else would have been shaking with rage, voice trembling. Alex was speaking slowly, enunciating every word as if he didn’t want Ian to miss anything. 

“Alex...” Ian said helplessly. He had to make Alex understood that Ian hadn’t known just how bad it was. That the reports he were sent hadn’t contained _everything._

“Are you honestly saying that it was all worth it...that it’s worth it that I will never be able to go to sleep without knowing if I’m going to watch Jack die or see Sarov blowing his brains out?” 

Ian didn’t know what to say. 

“Because I already know that I’ll never recover. I can’t even talk to anyone outside of MI6 about it; no psychologist would believe me, and if I went to an MI6 appointed one...well,” Alex laughed humorlessly, “who knows what they could do to me? You did that, Ian. You, and Alan Blunt, and Mrs. Jones. And I’m expected to believe that there’s absolutely no adult agent who could have stepped in? That I’m so bloody unique that I was the only one who could save people? Each and every time?” Alex shook his head. “I’m not buying it.” 

“Your right.” Ian replied after a moment of silence. “What’s been done to you is unforgiveable. I should have put a stop to it after Sayle. There’s nothing I can say to make it better.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to Jones. I’ll tell her we won’t be accepting this mission. We can go away. America maybe, or France. I know I can’t make it up to you but-” 

“No.” Alex interrupted, getting to his feet. Ben Daniels rose too. “You can’t. And I’m not going anywhere with you.” 

Ian understood this. “You’ll need time. We can-” 

“No.” Alex’s voice was firm. “There is no ‘we’ any more. There hasn’t been for two years. Sometimes I wonder if there ever was. Whether everything was a lie.” 

“You need to-” 

“I don’t have an uncle, Ian. My uncle died in a car crash. And I don’t want anything more to do with you.” And then Ian’s only living relative left the room without a backward glance, Ben Daniels at his side. 

…. 

Alex made it to the car, only losing his composure when he dropped into the passenger seat. As soon as the door was closed, he started breathing heavily, leaning forward and hiding his face in his hands. Still, it wasn’t until Ben started rubbing his back that Alex stopped fighting the tears. 

"That’s it.” Ben soothed. “Let it out.” He rubbed small circles on Alex’s back. “It’s going to be okay.” He said in the tone of someone who doesn’t know what else to say. 

“Drive. Please.” Alex mumbled. “I want to go home.” 

“Alright.” Ben started the car, changing the radio to Alex’s favorite station, but turning the volume down in case Alex wanted to talk. “We’ll go home." 

"I don’t...I don’t want to see him again. Not ever.” 

“Alright. I’ll tell Jones you’re not interested. If she pushes things, I’ll-” 

“And I want out.” 

Ben turned to look at Alex. Tears were still dripping from the teenager’s eyes, but he’d lifted his face out of his hand and was looking at Ben with certainty in his eyes. 

“Out for good. I don’t want them to be able to find me.” 

It wasn’t as if Ben and Yassen hadn’t considered it. Even after everything the kid had been through, MI6 still kept sending him out. However, Alex hadn’t been sure he wanted to leave what was left of his old life, his friends, and Ben had hoped he’d be able to protect Alex from the worst of it. But after this newest request and the revelation of one more lie...there was just no way Alex could remain in this situation. 

“Okay.” Ben nodded. “We’ll contact Yassen when we get home.” 

It wouldn’t be too long after that. Ben wouldn’t put it past the assassin to already have fake identities established for them. Just in case. Maybe Ben’s house would catch fire and the corpses inside (for surely Yassen would want to make it look realistic) would be charred beyond recognition. Maybe they’d just run. Either way, by this time next week, Alex Rider and Ben Daniels would be gone, and somewhere far away, probably in some other country, a family of three would be moving into their new home. 


End file.
